My search for the Unknown has ended, as I came back from Nachani in Uttarakhand today morning, you can read the complete travelogue of the trip here, Search for Unknown ends at Nachani.
During my first trip in the Search of Unknown, which had lead me to Gangolihat, I had thought about continuing this search till I had children. Because I knew that although I wished to discover the Unknown I belonged to, what these trips were going to do was take me away from the life I had known and detach me from things I had loved. For the lust of becoming a hermit each time I went out on my own on such journeys, will only become stronger and stronger, till I lost myself completely to it and never came back. This is why I had vowed to stop doing it, if I ever had kids, because no matter how much I wished to detach myself from this world, I couldn’t even dream of detaching myself with the life I would help create.
What I didn’t anticipate was the pace at which the detachment would come. I guess in a way I should have seen it coming, as I had lost all my fears in past few days. I no longer feared for my life, I no longer feared to live, I no longer feared about getting hurt, I no longer feared not being in control and in a way, I no longer feared losing all that I have (including the people I love) and all that I was.
While I loved the company of those I loved and felt happy while I was with them, I was happy even when I was alone. Heck I could even walk into a crowded bar alone, drink myself silly and come back without a second thought or needing or wanting any company. In fact I liked doing that more than I did with friends, since that way I could be truly in tune with my emotions, without a care in the world and without needing to worry about them seeing my emotional face when I got drunk. While I will still do this, in fact I will likely do it tonight, it won’t be in order to lose myself, it would be to enjoy my own company.
Fact is, over the past few days I have discovered that I do not need anyone to be happy. I do not need any company to travel. I do not need any company to drink. I do not need any company to live. I do not need any company to enjoy and live my life. And I certainly do not need anyone to be who I am and who I will always will be.
However, I want the company of those I love and those who love me back. Because I feel happier still when I see smile on their face and twinkle in their eyes and I am ready in a way to give up some of my freedom and solitude for it, because one should not hurt the ones we love, by walking away, just because we feel we may not be completely free.
Because I know I want to be a hermit some day and in a way, I have always been a hermit and I will always yearn for it somewhere back in my heart. But I am not a loner, not because I cannot be alone, because the love others have for me, doesn’t allows me to be. And it is respect and care for that love, that I abandon my search for the Unknown, because although I know how much I wish to continue the search for the ultimate Unknown and merge into him one day, my home in the hearts of those who love me, would cause them great distress and a lifetime of pain, if I were to just walk away and disappear, which at some point during this trip, I wanted to do…
From little that I’ve know, if someone loves you, they let you be the way you want to be. If you never want to see another face, including theirs, they will not stop you or hold you back or complain or regret knowing you.
The best kind of love, THE LOVE, is when you recognize each has his own journey to travel and they should always feel free to travel it. So The Love, will never ever be the barrier between you and what you want.
Perhaps you are not ready for the search for the Unknown?
Maybe Asmita, but we know the love we have in our life. I know what state my mother, sister and even my friends would be, if I was to bid them farewell today and never come back, not even get in touch with them ever again. Maybe they will put up a brave face initially as I walk away, but in time I know what their state would be. Maybe I am wrong in this assumption, maybe I am right. I don’t know if I will ever find that out, but fact is, I don’t want to give them anymore pain than I already have.
Once again heart touching write up…expression is so emotional…..
Thank you Swati.