I don’t know what I was looking for tonight, I wasn’t even sure whatever it was I wanted to find it. I just knew I had to be out and I didn’t wanted to drink. Maybe it was a friend’s status last night which got me curious about CCD opposite Taj Palace once again or maybe it was something else.
An Americano after a Latte, not sure if there will be more was the mood as I began writing this, instead of concentrating on the thing I initially wanted to write. I guess that would have to wait, wait for a while. For the thoughts right now are abstract and mind, I guess blank…
Maybe I am a fool, for I write and say stuff, most don’t even utter in front of friends. Not that I care really, I guess I should, but I really don’t.
I guess I should act like others, you know wear a mask and all and at times I really do want to and I guess in some ways I do, but most of the time I don’t. Maybe I crave attention, that is all, by projecting myself as someone who cares not.
Because in many ways I do care, and I care a lot. Not particularly about what others think of me, rather what I end up doing in my brazenness to act as I thought or rather felt.
I guess there is a lot more I want to say, in fact I want to shout it out. But I am not sure if anyone can handle it, especially since I do not wish to do it for spectators. So in some ways I bottle it inside. Even from those closest to me, who know already much more than they should have and had known in so many past years as they have known in last few months.
So I talk in abstract manner to strangers, who follow my blog and other writings, some declared publicly, some hidden.
Yet, I feel I don’t talk enough, even though I do not know what it is I want to talk. Maybe I just want all my thoughts to just flow out unobstructed and unconstrained, without any doubts or thoughts of repercussions. For I have discovered there are repercussions of acting in such a manner. Though given a choice I doubt if I would do it any other way, for I acted as my conscious and heart dictated and I wouldn’t have it anyother way, even though I repent now.
Quite a few people I meet, tell me I have a lot of potential, while still others tell me they look up to me. At times I wonder why?
Maybe if I was in their place I wouldn’t, for I know a lot more about me than they do. And it isn’t all roses and confidence.
For fears are always there and so are failures, self doubt and weaknesses as well. I even curse myself at times for not living the way my friends have, who I envy at times. For they have what I do not and at times I yearn for it more than what I have so far built or hope to build.
Then I resign myself to fate. Fate which seem to lead me elsewhere.
For I have as little control over it as I have over my heart and soul. Which seem to pull me away from stability and a sense of normalcy others seem to have. Maybe it is not normal at all, at least not deep down in me and that’s why I run in different direction.
Tonight I am not observing people, usually I do. I guess I am detached right now or in a bubble of my own, where I see and hear, but can’t pay attention.
Maybe this is why I had to come out and yet I didn’t wanted to. Knowing I wouldn’t truly be alone, no matter where I went.
Yet I am right now. There is once again stress or concentration on where my third eye should be. There usually is when I am deep in thoughts or extremely emotional. But I feel I am neither right now…
I look for things and people I can concentrate on, but I can’t. I even ignore the WhatsApp messages I am receiving. For I need to, well I am not sure.
All I know is, my quest for what I seek isn’t external, if is internal. And deeper I go, the more abstract and unknown it becomes.
Harder I try to become and circumstances try to make me, the softer I become. In a good way, I guess…
And just like that, abstractness is gone. I still feel detached to things around me, but I feel disconnected from inside as well. I guess this is it for today and it is time to go back home.
I guess fate doesn’t yet wants me to leave, for Uber prices went berserk and I am in no mood to pay extra. I guess it is time to enjoy some normal time or try and reconnect to inside.
40 minutes and 3 cancelled cab booking later, my cab is almost here. I see a girl, who looks like Jazz in Motion, a girl I met at My Bar Grill and I told her that she looks like that. Maybe it is her, maybe it isn’t. I walk out for my cab, but I don’t go up to her, for I do not wish to talk.
Maybe this is what drew me outside or maybe it is just wishful thinking. Whatever it is, I am now disconnected from all, inside and out…
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