There is a side of me I have always feared, loathed and tried to suppress.
My Dark Side or as I like to call it, My Black Heart.
For I fear it, because I know the uncontrollable anger which resides deep within, capable of causing hurt beyond anything I can fathom on a normal day. Because it is anger like none other; it knows the weakness of the person it is out to hurt and it only pounds at it, till there is nothing left to pound on. And it has never once failed at its task, because it knows what could hurt the other person most and it only targets that. And it isn’t just a momentary burst of anger; it is capable of lasting several hours or even days, until it is finally let out and the longer it is held within, the worse it becomes and stronger it comes out. That is why I have hated and feared “My Black Heart”, because I see the destruction it is capable of leaving behind and I know it is capable of even worse.
Then there are other less darker yet still dark aspects of my soul; namely fear, jealousy, loneliness and self-doubt, which I do not wish to see rise to the surface and yet at times they do.
I have long tried to suppress these emotions; the basic instincts present in each and every human being, but I did not wish for them to be a part of me. I wish only to have good emotions and spread the same in the world.
But I realize now, that I have been going about it the wrong way. The more I try to suppress these emotions, the worse they become.
These deepest, darkest emotions are a part of me and I have to accept them, in order to be at peace with myself. I need to accept, embrace and experience the brightest as well as the darkest parts of me, in order to be who I truly am.
Because just like a photographer needs both light and shadow to create a masterpiece, a writer and even a normal human being needs positive and negative emotions to work through life and make it what he/she has hoped for it to be.
In a couple of days, hopefully I will be setting off on a journey. A journey which is supposed to result in the commencement of my two photo projects and writing of a short story, which is unlike anything I have ever written before.
Because it is darker than anything I have cared to share publically and it requires me to enter the darkest hours and my deepest darkest emotions in such a way, that until a few days ago, I wasn’t even sure I was 100% capable of returning back from that state.
Yet, now I know I am. I capable of not only going that deep and dark and returning to my usual self, I am capable of going even beyond that, for these are my emotions, my stories and my imaginations, and they together make me who I am, who I wish to be…